Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Crazy Pants

I am an excellent driver. You may never again hear me say that I am excellent at something. This, however, is more a statement of fact than it is tooting my own horn (ha ha!). As someone who is part of a gender that is criticized frequently for not being so capable in this area, it's only fair I serve as the exception to the stereotype.

Due to my driving skills I am no stranger to road rage. I mean, when you are aware that you are an excellent driver you find yourself surrounded by horrible ones. Especially in this town.

My road rage is fairly private though. I stay within the confines of my car. I yell some profanities that no one but me can hear. I bang on the steering wheel but almost never the horn. It's a pretty impressive thing when you can full on have a fight with someone without them really knowing your fury. Sure they may see you flailing around as you exit the scene, but they probably don't care.

Since having kids I pretty much can't have road rage. It's similar to no longer blaring Eminem or Kanye in the car with a two year old. You just don't do it. Lila teaches me every day how to ignore the rage. It's a work in progress (as in, I am working some of it out right now due to her bedtime hysterics). But, I can feel the road rage coming on and just as quickly I toss it to the side. Done and done.

Today I experienced something new. This was something so foreign to me I was completely at a loss. Someone was enraged AT ME. The nerve! I'm driving down the road and someone (we'll call her Crazy Pants) comes flying up behind me. I am going slow because I am not too far from entering a right turn lane. Crazy Pants is not happy about this. I turn my blinker on, enter the lane, and turn. In my rear view mirror I see Crazy Pants in her beat up, POS Accord almost plow into the person that was previously in front of me as I entered the turn lane. I then see Crazy Pants passionately yank her car into the turn lane and follow me. As I notice all of this her hands (yes both) are taking turns shooting birds before she is even anywhere near me. She speeds up, flicks off my two year old without missing a beat, pulls in front of me, and slams on breaks about thirty feet from the next light that is red. Being the excellent driver I am I have anticipated this and stopped well before being anywhere near her. As I'm explaining to Lila that the lady was just pointing at a pretty bird (ha ha!) I'm also holding my hands up as if to say, "I have no idea what you're doing here!". That was my only response. Crazy Pants starts mocking me, throws some more birds, and speeds off when the light changes.

I then drive very slow. There are lots of lights close together on this road and I am now sure Crazy Pants and I need to not be anywhere near each other. She slows and speeds up in a taunting way. What she doesn't know is that she has nothing on my two year old. Lila has taught me well. Taunting mommy is her thang. I am trying to believe that she's getting it all out of her system so that when she's a teenager we will have a blissful coexistence. Regardless, I am prepared for Crazy Pants. Not to mention, I'm not crazy. At least I feel fairly sane today. Really, I wish I had taken a picture of her hot mess of an appearance. But that would take away from my excellent driving skills if I were to use my phone in such a way while driving. She kind of had that Cruella Deville thing going on in much the same laughable way.

So, thank you Lila. You test me in ways I never could have imagined. You wear me out, but I love you anyway ;-) Besides, at the end of the day what good is being tested if you don't get to use what you've learned?

Happy Valentine's day readers! I hope your day was filled with slobbery, open mouthed baby kisses, hugs that make you fall over, and time spent with an adorable somebody special like mine was. Well, aside from the interference of Crazy Pants of course.


  1. Something similar happened to me once. This crazy jerk thought I was going to slow for him and for the sole purpose of irritating him (because, you know, it is his world), so he pulled around me and slammed on his brakes right in front of me. Bennett was in the car with me and only a few months old. I was so scared, it took all I had to drive the car home imstead of turning into puddle and/or flying into a rage. I am so impressed you kept your cool through such an extended Crazypants experience.

  2. Haha! It's like I was in the car with you!!

  3. Totally hear ya. I called someone a ding-dong on the road (lame but the best "clean" name I could come up with off the top of my head with Carson in the car. A few minutes later, I asked Carson if she remembered whose party we were going to this weekend. Her answer? That's right. Ding-dong's party.


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