Monday, February 20, 2012


Sorry for the lateness on the header. It doesn't really even make sense anymore. Initially I did it on the 13th of every month because Lila's birthday is the 13th. Now it seems I just do it whenever. Technically, the ages are close enough. Not to mention, everything about this header is just awkward. Kind of makes me giggle too though.

This should be an indication of the scattered nature of my brain. Thoughts like that race in and out. It's a seemingly pointless thing to care or worry about right? But the pointless often gets mixed in with the absolutely necessary and I get all bent out of a shape about this or that not getting done. Sometimes what isn't getting done is pointless...sometimes, it's pretty necessary.

This is unfortunate. I used to be maddeningly on top of things. Before I married Seth and had kids I overdid everything. The difference is, back then I overdid five things. The married mother of two I have become is now trying to overdo five hundred things. It's isn't working.

I want my house to be clean, my kids to be clean, my clothes to be clean, and myself to be clean (sadly, in that order). And I want all of that every single day. I mean, I really would be even happier if the dog could be clean. On top of that I want the meals to be planned, the money to be in savings instead of in Target's bank account, the bills to be filed, the pictures to be in photo albums, the clothes to be sewn (by me), and the list goes on, and on, and ON. And the truth of the matter is, I don't feel like this is too much to ask. I mean, I don't work for goodness sake (please sense my eyes rolling). I should be johnny on the spot about every last detail of my house right?

Here's why I'm not. One day long, long ago in the land before children I married the man of my dreams. We lived in a neat, organized, spotless house. I did everything a homemaker would do. And I worked. Ok, so maybe I didn't cut the grass. But had I had a clue how to use a lawn mower that you stand on while it ferociously cuts your grass in 2.2 seconds I would have done that too. This worked for a little while. Said man of my dreams would tell you what I'm describing was actually a dream and not real life. Please understand I am basing my memories of those days on my current situation. Anyway, one day I started relinquishing things to Mr. Dreamy. One of those things was paying bills and handling the money. That was a big one. Something monumental changed in me that day. I turned over that job and never looked back. In fact, some would say this kind of reckless abandon was like a gateway drug. I wanted more. Instead of handing over more responsibilities I just took that as permission to let go of some of my obsessive ways.

Here we are five years later and on a daily basis I miss the old me terribly. Where's the girl that always had the checkbook balanced to the penny? Where's the girl that moved things around to find their perfect spot yet still knew where they were? I NEED HER TO SHOW UP.

Instead I'm dealing with what's left of that girl. I've lost my Ipod. I live on coffee and peanut butter because somehow in the grocery shopping for the week I always forget that I have to feed myself lunch every day too. It's not that I forget to eat. I HATE when people say that. Who forgets to eat? That's like saying I forgot to pee or I forgot to put clothes on. No one believes you if you say that BTW. I digress...

I need a plan of action. There are too many things I want to do and too many things I need to do. The overwhelming feelings that tend to push away the motivation are settling in and I have to act fast.

I made a cleaning schedule that I don't stick to. My house gets clean when I know people are coming over. If I invite you over randomly that could be my way of making sure my house gets cleaned. Just sayin'. No seriously, I just need someone to grab me by the shoulders, shake me, and whip me into shape. I need a homemaker's personal trainer. Yes! That's what I need.

To be perfectly honest, the other reason I don't get squat done is because I sit and stare at my kids all day. Really and truly. That's such a weird thing to say, but it's the truth. In thinking about posting tonight I thought about doing a videos post of Evie because I have six videos on my phone that I've taken since yesterday morning. Do you know why I didn't? Because they are boring. I wouldn't normally say that, but they really are. I just find her to be so beyond cute that every video is like I'm seeing her for the first time. Then when I go back and watch them again I realize they are just her, sitting, playing, and essentially doing nothing over and over again just in a different spot in my house.

SO, now that I have rambled to my heart's content here is my plan of action. Don't laugh. I plan to come up with a plan. I am giving myself until this time next week. Monday, February 27th at midnight to be exact. By this time next week I will post my plan to get my life in order. Slowly I will chip away at that plan until it's all done. I need order. I am craving is something fierce. Now's the time.

If you have any suggestions shout 'em out.

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