Had enough

I've always said I want to be candid about motherhood here. I'm sure I'm more candid than I should be, but today may take the cake.

I bought this book on Amazon to read on my Kindle app for the Ipad. It's called Emotional Muscle. I read a glowing review of it here:


http://thestir.cafemom.com/toddler/116582/antitiger_mom_advice_for_the

Basically, I wanted strategies and ideas about how to handle the times where you have no idea what to do, and you are at your rope's end. I don't mean this is the first time this or other situations like this have happened in a day...it's more like the fifth or sixth. I have only read a few chapters of the book. So far I am not impressed. Maybe I just need to keep reading.  I will keep you posted.

I feel a disclaimer may or may not be needed here. I often wonder if I would feel this exhausted, frustrated, and overwhelmed by this "phase" if I wasn't pregnant. Part of me thinks the difficulty would still be just as unnerving. Another part of me thinks I would have a clearer head and a more capable approach. A third part of me thinks....wait, in a few months this will all be happening with a newborn in the background. I mean, Carson is here today. But Carson is at that super, fantastic, just-turned-one stage where she just watches and listens to everything with awe and/or concern. She watches Lila lose her mind like she's some wild animal at the zoo.

Today has been particularly difficult. I look at those big, blue eyes and that shiny, blonde hair and I try so hard to see the little girl and her feelings. Instead I see the screaming, kicking, red faced tantrum in all it's glory. I have said this before, but when I was a teacher there was one phrase that ran through my head many times a day..."don't let the inner voice out". Someone in my master's program said that to me once and it stuck. I have tried to apply that to parenting too. Don't let them see you lose your cool...don't let them know that you are about to break and scream too....don't act exactly the way you would prefer to be acting.

Here's what I really want to say. This is my child in my house. I am gigantic, not feeling good, and she is pushing it too far today. I am going to cry and I am going to walk away and hope that it just ends. I am going to scoop Carson up and whisper in her ear that Lila should not be her example. I'm going to tell her to sail right past 18-24 months without batting an eye. If I can subliminally spare Katie the daily dose of good old fashioned drama that is taking over my life right now shouldn't I at least try?

I don't like posting these kinds of things. I feel like I am ratting out my own kid and talking badly about her. This too shall pass (please God). It's just another day. She is still an immeasurable source of happiness and joy in my life. Today, I just need her to GET OVER IT.

There. I said it.