This blog used to be a life line for me. The good, the bad, and the unbearably ugly forced into words made me feel better instantly. Writing gave me therapy when there wasn't time (or money) to set up shop on a therapist's couch. Talking about motherhood gave me a chance to scream into the universe, "I hear you, I see you, I am you and I get it". Talking about children is what I've always done, even before I had my own. Fleshing out the grief of loss and depression in this safe space saved my soul so. many. times.
And now here I am. One day I moved through the grief and depression and simply started living the chaotic life of a mom of three, wearing a million hats at every turn. My how things can morph into something else before you know it. I started thinking, "why don't I write anymore?". What happened to that nagging NEED to get the words out? Where did it go?
I told myself someday it would come back, or not, and either would be okay. Today it occurred to me that I've spent a lot of time here writing about what scared me, what frustrated me, what is hysterical/amazing/terrifying about parenting, and what felt like daggers after death hit my world. Today I realized it's time to talk about being grateful. That's where I'm at and it feels more than good. It feels miraculous and perfect. When I did finally hit the therapist's couch with a resounding thud this is something she taught me. She said, "being grateful will bring you back to who you want to be".
And again, now here I am.
I am grateful for a husband who suggests driving two hours to walk across a swinging bridge and hike a mountain with three small children...no matter how insane that sounds.
I am grateful for finally feeling capable of changing our lifestyle to be our own with the best of generations past and leaving behind the worst. As a parent, this has been a welcomed realization. We don't have to be conservative just because that's what our family has always been. We can put kindness and others first before money and self preservation simply because that's what humans should do. We can exercise every day and eat to live instead of living to eat. Better yet, we can teach our children this lifestyle so they aren't set up for failure...so that maybe they will be the first not to die young.
I am grateful for healthy children who climb mountains with us even if we have to talk them through it the entire time.
I am grateful for a home that gives us shelter, even in tight living quarters, while we teach our children that being well traveled and seeing the world is far more important than any other thing they could own or have.
I am grateful for friends who teach me how to be me when motherhood seems to squash the mother into oblivion.
I am grateful for the most mundane things like fresh vegetables, a cold beer, and a quiet house. I am grateful for new music, new waterfalls we haven't seen yet, and new recipes that sometimes get a resounding "yes!" instead of grimaces and whining.
Most of all I am grateful for this season of my life. This time where everything feels like too much....too much this, that, and everything else that has to be done when you have a big family to keep up with and tend to. This too much of everything is a full life and a glorious gift.
Thanks for joining me on my sappy, nostalgic walk. I'm hoping to return to the hysterical and the absurd, the boring and overly chaotic, and the best music I can find very soon here. Stay tuned.