Tuesday, June 9, 2015

It's an update!

The kids. It's time for an update. Sort of.

I used to do these elaborate headers with pictures from the month of Lila. I used to give every detail of every new thing she did as if maybe in typing it up she would stay that way. I also used to be really on top of things.

Things change.

This is the rough and dirty version of updating. I slept for what I like to call "a few hours" last night. I can't be held responsible, but dammit someone has to document this stuff right? So here goes.

Lila is an enigma in my world. She is all of the things bursting out of a very skinny, tall, wiggly little girl. She is excitement. She is energy. She is powerful. She is messy. She is intoxicating. I look at her and see everything I have always wished I could be. She is fearless and brilliant. She loves everything new and every book she's ever met. She wants and needs all of you unless she's reading. She is trying and exhausting while being loving and so very helpful all within the same two minute span. I do believe she would sit in my lap like a baby, long arms and legs and all, for an eternity. Her definition of close is so close there is no space. She craves the intensity of being next to you and gives you little choice in the matter. It scares me that one day that may go away. Mothering her is like mothering all of the children at once.  She makes lists and plans and lists for her plans so her mind can be occupied until her plans can be put into action. She wants to do it all and experience every last little thing. That part is where she and I are one. The difference is, she will do it, come hell or high water.

Evie, naturally, is the opposite of Lila. She is meticulous and follows the rules like she wrote them. She is precise and concerned and feels every last feeling so strongly I worry she will be swallowed up by all of her feelings. And then, just when I think she's sinking into the abyss, she digs deep and finds this grit within her that pushes her back with a vengeance. She is mothering which benefits all of us, but for me it's a life boat on the days when I just wish someone would hold my hand. She isn't what I would call affectionate, but she will lend you her hand in a way that will save you if you let it. She doesn't love toys or things. She loves singing in the morning and dancing in the backyard. Every sentence begins with "let's pretend" and her face tells you she needs this. She needs to be somewhere else sometimes. Not just because she's four and that's when pretending hits it's peak, but because her imagination and intense feelings can't get out any other way. She's quick to cry, quick to tattle, and quick to deny any wrong doing, but she's also the first to be flexible and easy going. She can be shy if she doesn't know you, but once you're in you are really in.

Holden is the glue. Even now, at almost 10 months old, I can tell that he will be what holds Lila, Evie, and I together through the insane female teenage years ahead. Sure, they may find him bothersome at some point. Something in me says any irritation will be short lived. There is just something about him. I don't even really know where to begin to describe this tiny little baby boy. He looks at you and everything is happy. Everything is sweet and easy going. He is the sweetest of loves in the most special of ways. He just wants to look at you and see you looking back. He loves to stare at you like you are a vision of perfection that he hasn't already been looking at all day. When I say "you" I don't just mean me. He gives this love to almost everyone. There is this sparkle in his eyes that says he sees how special you are. It's consuming. I have caught Lila and Evie both trying to get him to look at them so that they can feel it, even if for a second. He doesn't love to eat (which I have a hard time comprehending) and sleeping is not a skill he's mastered yet either (again, huh?). But, those things seem small in comparison to how gracious he is with his love.

There you have it. The shortest update so far! Happy summer doing whatever it is you do during this glorious season. Cook outs, pool dates, patio drinks...do it all friends.


  1. I know I say this every time you post - but I love love love everything about this. Your beautiful way of describing your children is amazing, Jana! I love those three and I feel so lucky to be a part of their lives, and yours! :)

  2. I totally agree with Kim. I'm always waiting for the next blog post from you!! And the new one I read becomes my new favorite ... because they're all so good! This one really hits home and makes me want to pull out my antiquated handwritten journals and catch up somehow. Lila's cuddling arms and legs and intensity are amazing and pure and so genuine! Evie's need to step away or sing or hold others up shows that she knows who she is and when each of those things need to come out of her sweet selfless self! And Holden, oh my goodness, is truly the glue and is telling all of us he won't let us ignore how special we are individually and in his small world. When you are his focus, there's no doubt in your mind that you are his TOTAL focus. His eyes speak volumes! I love those babies and I love you, and I love reading everything you write. You inspire me so much!!

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