River is deep, yeah I'm swimming

For me, the difference between having post partum depression and not having it is just what the title of this post says. The river is always deep when entering or maintaining the land of parenting. As long as the constant feeling of drowning is kept at bay, things are magical.

I mean, there are days when I have felt amazing with my baby and two big kids. For example, this one day I was driving my SUV filled with three car seats, drinking my half-caf, belting out Taylor Swift* with my chickies, and feeling like a total bad ass. For God's sake, I birthed all three of these kids and they were all alive and pretty clean that day. Granted, the littlest one had a rash from head to toe, the middle one had just spent three days with a fever, and the oldest was covered in snot (and yogurt). But I was WELL and handling it. We were going to the doctor for our first "everybody's got something!" appointment. Copays seem like no big deal until you pay three of them at once. My sick kids were refusing to wear jackets bigger than a hoodie and then actually cried while we were waiting for the parking deck elevator because they were freezing. I just smiled and said, "and what will you do differently next time we leave the house and it's cold outside?". I mean, I can only harp on something for so long before they just need to learn the hard way right? Sick or not, repeating myself has to stop some time.

Then there was another day, more recently, where Lila told me she just had to go to the store to buy Evie a birthday present with her own money. She kept saying that, "MY OWN MONEY", like I was going to object. What I really wanted to tell her was that it would be quite a feat for us to get in and out of Target with only HER MONEY being spent. But, I'm a good mom. I was willing to give it a go. Then I realized it was pushing 4:30pm and I had to feed the baby before piling the crew in the car. This was either going to be a barrel of fun or sort of like a nightmare. Sometimes we as parents roll the dice. This time I lucked out. Evie used her birthday gift card and money, Lila bought Evie a gift in the dollar aisle, and Lila bought a little something for herself with birthday money. They bought things they actually really wanted too. Mommy bought nothing. That's right. Here's how you get in and out of Target spending none of your own money…bring three kids minutes before dinner time. The sheer stress of who will melt down first, second, and last makes you think it would be crazy to even attempt to shop. Get in and get out is all you can muster. Look at that. I just saved you tons of money.

I know what you're thinking. These are my examples of a amazing days where I felt like a bad ass? If I could scream YES through the computer I would. I would because I was mentally there. I was present and happy and solving the problems. I was all in.

You have no idea how bad post partum depression is until you don't have it anymore. With the exception of a few bad days, I have spent the majority of Holden's short life on cloud nine. Magical doesn't even touch the surface of how good that feels.

Sometimes Seth and I will look at each other and even though we aren't sure if we should laugh or cry, the stolen look of "we are in this together" is enough. It's more than enough. It's everything. That look and the look that says "we created these freaking adorable children". That's a good one too.

*Post title from the song "I'll Be Your Man" by The Black Keys*