Kairos

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly despairing, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing."

- Agatha Christie, An Autobiography

Sadly, Evie is all a blur in the above picture. She's a wiggler though. It's tough to get a solid shot. 

I naively told myself that when I started fresh with this blog the grief talk would have to subside. I convinced myself it was getting toxic. Then I read that Agatha Christie quote in Real Simple this month and changed my mind. After all, it's silly to attempt to put such limitations on something as ginormous and constantly changing as grief. 

But, I will keep it short (ish) this time.

The beginning of grief is the fastest, most gut wrenching roller coaster ride you could possibly imagine.

The middle of grief is a black hole where you start at the top of the roller coaster hill and plummet.

The latter half of grief, and hopefully the longest lasting, is the small beginner's coaster you rode for the first time when you were five. It seems so ominous and terrifying until you realize that, for the most part, it is manageable. 

Of course, every person's beginning, middle, and end are different. Not to mention, you could get to the kiddie ride for a while only to start over on the Ninja (HATE that one at Six Flags). 

Currently, as I'm sure is evident, I am on the kiddie ride. The intensity of the feelings are clear as day, but the life altering portion is now missing. Life is as normal as I can make it when there's a hole in it. 

Today, I read the book Dog Heaven by Cynthia Rylant to Lila. It is a must read. Honestly, I would suggest it even if you aren't dealing with a death. It's beautiful and simple and lovely. Lila couldn't get enough of it. We read it five times I think. 

After we decided to stop reading it we just sat and chatted. This was the first time I felt like I was saying the right things. I wasn't fumbling over the words or trying to catch my breath. We were giggling about Otis and Poppy chasing each other in Heaven. She learned about guardian angels. All was right with the world even though my gut still often feels "racked with sorrow". I currently know more than I ever have that "just to be alive is a grand thing". 

Happy Monday.