It's interesting what we try to conceal from ourselves when things get hard. The endless list of coping mechanisms that the brain/subconscious will enact to cover something up is quite impressive. But, that which is shoved under the rug isn't gone. In truth, it's multiplying as you shove until one day the rug goes missing or gets pulled out from under you. You are left standing in a pile of dirt so high you're sure its suffocating you. Tuesday I began to uncover that the past two weeks of endless crafts and things I just had to get done for Christmas were in fact part of a trick my brain was trying to play. Reflection is such an odd thing. In my self imposed nervous breakdown the realization that I was single handedly trying to "do" Christmas away was almost laughable. Who does that? Who avoids Christmas by becoming so consumed with it that they start to disregard it's coming? This girl does. Furthermore, we all know it isn't actually christmas itself I'm disregarding...it's what will be missing from Christmas for the first time in my entire life.
So Tuesday night I have the epic meltdown I have taken to having at a moment's notice. I take on the now all too familiar feelings of horrible mother/wife/everything that come with having these meltdowns. I go get my hair done...because it just so happened such a meltdown had to be followed by covering up the grey. I go to the botanical gardens with my family and stare at the lights in a fog of caffeine, crying headache, and euphoria (due to my adorable family of course). Then I promptly come home and lay in the bed and start typing this.
Christmas is coming. Did you know? There's nothing I can do to stop it. No amount of elf planning, advent calendar making, gift giving, sewing, or teacher gift creations from Pinterest are going to make this one go away...or be any less hard. One of my lofty and insane goals on my list of 108 (that was created the second thanksgiving ended) was to get an awesome Christmas card picture involving Christmas lights. This may or may not have worked. The jury's still out. But, let's just say the comic relief that is my children and an overly understanding husband do aid in the process of coming to terms with life. I'm not there yet. Not even close after this week's meltdown. Thank sweet baby Jesus I can at least call myself out right? Now it's just a matter of continuing the fight to fix what is broken...without making hot chocolate in mason jars with pretty little tags for every service person, friend, and family member in metro Atlanta. Because, if I'm being honest, if I didn't have children I would go sit on a beach and drink beer for Christmas and just call it December 25th.
Don't get me wrong. I love Christmas as much as the next person. I am BEYOND fortunate to be able to shower those I love with love and presents. However, sometimes things, even really amazing festive ones, need to just take a back seat to the other things that keep getting in the way. And sometimes a girl just needs to take a break.
If you don't hear from me before the first of the year please don't forget about me. I plan to come back in a fierce way. I hope you're excited. I just can't rock the blog world as I am now. I've just gotten to a place where asking for help should have happened weeks (maybe even months) ago....a place where some serious work needs to be done...and a place where if I wait much longer the pile under the rug will suffocate me. As my wise friend Kim shared with me, being a mother is a great thing. But you can't stop being you and you need to take some time and feel better. FOR YOU.
I leave you with a small glimpse into the lights at the botanical gardens and the poor attempts at getting my children to be photographed. Lila is on the upswing of getting her picture taken and Evie runs, ducks, or flips out before you can even say smile. If you get a Christmas card from me of the back of Evie's head and Lila trying to pose like a super model don't judge. Just laugh and carry on looking at everyone else's cards with perfectly situated families. I promise they aren't nearly as entertaining anyway.