Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Internal Struggle / Holla Hump Day

And the shout outs go to...

Those of you that read this blog on the regular have come to expect, and hopefully understand, the sporadic nature of the posts. Sometimes I'm totally on top of my game, and other times I go missing for days or maybe even weeks. Typically I post when the mood strikes me or when I want to give an update for family and friends. If there's a lull it's usually because time got away from me. This time that's not really the case.

In the spirit of candor within mommyhood I need to express that I'm in a funk. It's been building for a while now and to call it an internal struggle is sort of a monumental understatement. It's no secret that I'm indecisive. The funny thing is, the actual decision making part of this has been done for me thus far.

...Georgia Cyber Academy for not calling me back for a third interview. It was clear to both of us that we were not a match. I truly appreciate you not putting me in a position to tell you what a crock I think you are.

The issue is that I feel I need to work. I became a stay at home mom two years ago and honestly never looked back. Actually, to be clear, I never looked back and thought about teaching. The world of education is a bigger mess than I can mentally wrestle with right now. Another post for another day. To say that I don't currently "work" is pretty laughable. Between my own kids, watching Carson, and my glamorous second job I became fairly tapped out. One of the biggest reasons I chose to no longer watch Carson is because I was literally trapped in my house on the days she was here. Granted, it was only two to three days a week. But, being a SAHM mom to two small kids comes with a certain level of exclusion from the world as it is. Throw in that I couldn't even take a drive to clear my head on the rough days and I was beginning to feel that a change had to come. But, taking Carson out of the equation, for lack of a better phrase, wasn't my solution. It was simply a small step towards something else.

Of course, finding a job is typically fueled by money. We could totally use more of it being that our house is a black hole of a money pit. In my initial desire to find a job adding more income was the front running goal. I interviewed with the Georgia Cyber Academy to teach from home. I had been attempting to interview with them for years. Turns out they are a big disappointment on many levels. I talked to an old friend about going back to Child Life. This truly got me excited in so many ways. But, funding and bringing me up to speed in Child Life put a damper on that possibility for now.  One of those jobs was full time but working from home and the other was part time. Those two types of scenarios are best case for my current situation.

Here's where the funk comes in. I feel very defeated and unsure all at the same time. On days like today I would have given anything to be at a job. Today I really needed to miss my children. If you don't know what that feels like I don't really know how to explain it to you. Everyone know what it feels like to actually miss your child. But, in my opinion, really needing to miss them can feel far worse.

...Lee (my MIL) for saving the day without really even knowing you did it. Seth is out of town. For whatever reason the funk is taking a toll on me today and I was not being a good mommy. I am not afraid to admit that. If you believe you have never felt horrible at this mommy job for one second I will simply assume you are FOS. That or your day is coming. Thank you Lee for taking my kids to dinner and giving me three hours of shopping, mindless away time. 

In my time away this afternoon I spent three entire hours in turmoil. I am aware that I tend to lean towards overly emotional and dramatic. But hear me out.

I have pro'd and con'd this to death in my head and I don't even have a job offer. I can't imagine going back to work full-time outside of my home. Just working part time with two children is kind of pointless unless you make a lot of money. Otherwise, you are working to pay for childcare. I actually might be ok with that I think. I mean, as long as I came out ahead a little bit in the end.  If we strictly look at the money aspect of things it probably only makes sense for me to go back to work full time teaching in a public school. Not happening...yet.

Not long ago I posted a status on Facebook about looking for part-time work from home. I got some really great responses. But with possibilities come higher expectations. Now I feel like I need something meaningful and more purposeful for me than answering customer service calls. I'm 32 with a master's degree and I already clean other people's nasty toilets for God's sake.

...Meghan (friend and food blogger over at Stir and Scribble) for urging me to think about the possibilities of this blog, my writing, and other things that are scary and incredibly amazing sounding. I actually followed through with an application to blog for Apartment Therapy partly because Meghan made me realize I had nothing to lose. I haven't heard anything back, but they haven't said anything about new hires yet either. Cross your fingers because how BA would that be???

...Sara for helping me with the AT application and for also pushing me to just do it. And for responding to my texts, emails, and chats with nothing but support and love. I MISS YOU.

So, here I sit feeling like I need a change while also feeling like I need to suck it up and find ways to get myself through the tough parts of being a SAHM. There is no harder job people.

What's going to happen is I'm going to find the perfect working situation and baby Burrow #3 is going to start cooking. NO WE ARE NOT TRYING AND NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. Just sayin'.

And, I'm sure now some of you are thinking that this crazy lady just babbled on about struggling with being a SAHM mom and she wants a third! Come on...if you are judging me I beg you to go find a mom of three or more who thought her life was a cake walk and that's why she kept having babies ;-)

Happy Hump Day Ya'll.


  1. I love you, girl. Thank you for always being honest, even when it isn't easy.

  2. Hang in there Jana, something will come along. It will work out the way it was supposed to work out. Worrying is just going to make it harder. :) I think you are an amazing mother!

  3. The grass always seems greener somewhere else doesn't it?

    I'm jealous that you even have the option to stay home, but I also understand how hard that work is too. Sometimes I get a little crazy when Brian is working long hours or through the weekend and the three days I have with Ella seem so long.

    I agree with Christine. Right now its in God's hands. Not that you need my permission, but its ok to be in a funk. Get funky girl! I find that the more I try to fight the funk the worse it gets, but if I let myself go the funk seems to go away faster.

    My fingers and toes are crossed for the AT gig. I'll keep my eye out for other opportunities too.

    PS I'm so tickled to get a shout out!


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