Sunday, May 20, 2012

Looking back...

It's strange to think about the beginning days of writing on this blog without children. I think I was bored. I mean really, what do people without kids do? I can't even remember. I know I felt SO busy. And I'm sure I was. It's a different kind of busy. It's a busy on purpose kind of life. This life is busy because you have no choice. I don't mean that in a negative way. It's simply the nature of the beast. This blog all started with a broken air conditioning in the dead of summer and crazy dogs inspiring me to put the mundane into words. Since then we gave away a dog, added two kids, got a new air conditioning unit, and have had countless adventures. And even when I finally sit down at the end of the day feeling maxed out and spent the strongest emotion I have is gratitude.

Recently there was a bit of a milestone for me. I'm not sure why it seems like such a big deal. Birthdays are my second favorite holidays after Christmas. I love my own of course, but I love celebrating with others too. And then we created birthdays for two special little chickies. How surreal right? It just so happens that these two magical days fall very close to each other. Evie turned one on Cinco de Mayo and Lila just turned three on the 13th. I was driving around that morning doing my glamorous second job and out of nowhere it hit me. It's Mother's Day. My baby is three. She's a kid now. The fat fingers are gone. The little girl has taken the place of the baby/toddler and I will never get those days back. I thought about trying not to sound as sappy as I feel. But, this is my blog where I try to be as candid as possible. Plus, I'm documenting our lives here. No point in holding back.

While driving I went from jamming out to sobbing within a span of thirty seconds. No, I'm not pregnant. You know how sometimes your mind wanders and the starting point has little to do with the ending point? That's what happened. I let my mind wander from my need to organize my pictures, to pictures of Lila at one year compared to Evie at one year, to all of the pictures of Lila as a baby, to HOLY CRAP SHE IS A THREE YEAR OLD and I'm crying uncontrollably. I had visions of that commercial where the four year old-ish blonde is in the driver's seat of the car while her dad tells her every last thing he can think of. And then she's sixteen. WHAT IS HAPPENING?

My panic over time going too fast changed to feelings of overwhelming gratitude. My biggest fear for most of my life was that I wouldn't be able to have children. I had this fear solely because I wanted them so badly. Now I have them. Now I think long and hard about all the mamas out there living out that fear, waiting day after day for their dream to come true, and feeling the agony of the possibility that it may not.

I cried a good hard cry. I let the feeling sorry for myself take over for a few minutes. I cried for the end of the baby/toddler days with Lila. I cried for all of the things I've done wrong, all of the guilt, and all of the ways I know I can be better. And then I got myself together and said a big fat thank you for the privilege of even being able to have these feelings in the first place.

It's hard to digest. As every year goes by it gets harder. But in between the times going by too fast are the times where Lila sticks her finger in Evie's pacifier or counts her toes and they both spill over in giggles. I AM SO LUCKY.

I am going to do a separate post about Evie's party and that week. I promise I am. And I'm going to do a post about Mother's Day/Lila's birthday. And I'm bringing back Holla Hump Day...for real this time. And, if I'm being totally honest, I'm contemplating some serious changes. I'm contemplating making an attempt at this being more than therapy for me. I'm toying with the idea of going big or going home.

So, in the spirit of the birthdays, being thankful, and dreaming big for the future here's a fun little rundown of the blog headers since my kids started being in them. Enjoy!

1 comment:

  1. Oh Jana!!! I just love this stroll down memory lane! Thanks for sharing.


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