holla...holla....helloooo?

Oh look! Don't blink. You might miss this fleeting Holla Hump Day. There may or may not ever be another one again. I have a hard time committing these days.

Speaking of committing...

This is another blog post about how being a parent is hard. I'm sure you've heard/felt it all before. Follow me though. There are Pinterest moms and tiger moms and stressed out moms who drink spiked smoothies at 4pm. There are working moms and stay at home moms and moms who are moms AND dads at the same time (or dads who are dads and moms).  There are people who fit into some or many of the above like a glove. 

What I know about them all is that the moments here and there where they feel they rocked some parenting moment seem to shine so bright it's blinding. Do you know why? Because the moments that aren't so shiny are pretty damn bright sometimes too.

For instance...

This year I killed it on the birthday party scene. I sort of flip flop between wanting to do it all for a party and wanting to do nothing. This year I decided to go all in. It seemed maybe mommy guilt was the driving force, and then one day I realized I just think it's fun. I can own that. It's stressful at times, but fun. Especially when you have two little girls who are really sure of what they want. After getting sucked into the Pinterest vortex I came out the other side with huge gleaming smiles all around. With the help of my fabulous friend Meghan of Stir and Scribble I was able to make two special parties happen in one weekend. It was glorious and shiny and all of those things.

Six year old book themed party

Four year old Frozen themed party

On the flip side, we fast forward to today...the morning the tooth fairy forgot to show up.

See what I mean about the the not so shiny moments being bright too? I know you do because I could almost hear you gasping as you read that lonely sentence up there.

Lila lost her first tooth a few weeks ago. I'm unsure now of where I was. Probably on Pinterest planning parties. Seth saved the day in his amazing dad way. He put four dollars under the pillow. So maybe he set the bar a little high. And maybe he didn't put a note or an envelope or really any sort of cutesy thing with it. Just a whopping four dollars. Because only moms overthink things like the tooth fairy. I actually pinned multiple tooth fairy pillows I was going to make just for her so that every tiny tooth lost would have a place to live in the night while waiting for the elusive fairy and her gobs of money. Clearly, this never happened.

I felt some remorse about my lack of tooth fairy skills, but told myself that you can't win 'em all and went on about my day.

As I was out doing my super glamorous second job last night Lila bit into one of Seth's homemade ice cream sandwiches and tooth number two was out. He texted me, we chatted when I got home about how much to leave, and then I woke to Lila at 6 am wondering why the fairy forgot about her. I couldn't exactly say, "because the tooth fairy is TIRED".

What I can say here is that the tooth fairy is ABSURB. Am I right? A fairy takes teeth and replaces them with money. Ridiculous.

Here is where things get dicey. I tell Lila that maybe she just woke up too early and the fairy hadn't gotten to her yet and now didn't want to scare her. There is zero chance of Lila going back to sleep at this point, but I have never seen her want to get back in the bed faster in her entire life. I smack Seth on the arm and ask him what the hell we are supposed to do now. In a sleep deprived haze we chat, sort of hash out a plan, and then sit there thinking our plan is stupid.

Lila comes back in the room and I convince her to get in the bed with us and just talk to me (play with my phone). I am at a total loss. Seth decides to run with our plan and gets up and disappears.

Lila is a smart kid. I'm pretty sure somewhere inside that head covered in cotton candy blonde hair she knows that all of this is complete and utter bullshit. I tried the Elf on the Shelf when she was three and she called me out saying it was just me moving the thing. The difference is, I think she will totally just play along if presents/money/candy are involved. I can't be sure, so until I can we must become better tooth fairies.

Here is what Lila found this morning on the kitchen table with two dollars:

Maybe she fell for it. Maybe she didn't. She had two dollars in the her hand so I'm not sure it matters. And don't judge the tooth fairy for "her" disguised handwriting. It was 6 am. 

Holla hump day to the birthday party life savers, the dads turned tooth fairies, and the moms who want to do it all but are really tired. 

River is deep, yeah I'm swimming

For me, the difference between having post partum depression and not having it is just what the title of this post says. The river is always deep when entering or maintaining the land of parenting. As long as the constant feeling of drowning is kept at bay, things are magical.

I mean, there are days when I have felt amazing with my baby and two big kids. For example, this one day I was driving my SUV filled with three car seats, drinking my half-caf, belting out Taylor Swift* with my chickies, and feeling like a total bad ass. For God's sake, I birthed all three of these kids and they were all alive and pretty clean that day. Granted, the littlest one had a rash from head to toe, the middle one had just spent three days with a fever, and the oldest was covered in snot (and yogurt). But I was WELL and handling it. We were going to the doctor for our first "everybody's got something!" appointment. Copays seem like no big deal until you pay three of them at once. My sick kids were refusing to wear jackets bigger than a hoodie and then actually cried while we were waiting for the parking deck elevator because they were freezing. I just smiled and said, "and what will you do differently next time we leave the house and it's cold outside?". I mean, I can only harp on something for so long before they just need to learn the hard way right? Sick or not, repeating myself has to stop some time.

Then there was another day, more recently, where Lila told me she just had to go to the store to buy Evie a birthday present with her own money. She kept saying that, "MY OWN MONEY", like I was going to object. What I really wanted to tell her was that it would be quite a feat for us to get in and out of Target with only HER MONEY being spent. But, I'm a good mom. I was willing to give it a go. Then I realized it was pushing 4:30pm and I had to feed the baby before piling the crew in the car. This was either going to be a barrel of fun or sort of like a nightmare. Sometimes we as parents roll the dice. This time I lucked out. Evie used her birthday gift card and money, Lila bought Evie a gift in the dollar aisle, and Lila bought a little something for herself with birthday money. They bought things they actually really wanted too. Mommy bought nothing. That's right. Here's how you get in and out of Target spending none of your own money…bring three kids minutes before dinner time. The sheer stress of who will melt down first, second, and last makes you think it would be crazy to even attempt to shop. Get in and get out is all you can muster. Look at that. I just saved you tons of money.

I know what you're thinking. These are my examples of a amazing days where I felt like a bad ass? If I could scream YES through the computer I would. I would because I was mentally there. I was present and happy and solving the problems. I was all in.

You have no idea how bad post partum depression is until you don't have it anymore. With the exception of a few bad days, I have spent the majority of Holden's short life on cloud nine. Magical doesn't even touch the surface of how good that feels.

Sometimes Seth and I will look at each other and even though we aren't sure if we should laugh or cry, the stolen look of "we are in this together" is enough. It's more than enough. It's everything. That look and the look that says "we created these freaking adorable children". That's a good one too.

*Post title from the song "I'll Be Your Man" by The Black Keys*