...the girl at the Apple store that patiently answered my 249 questions during my Genius Bar appointment. I left feeling empowered and knowledgeable. Unfortunately, I got home and found that with knowledge sometimes comes a crapload of work. Ignorance is bliss until it lands you with a zillion pictures and videos to deal with just to be able to get on the internet.
...all of my female friends. I think I sent out entirely too many emails in the span of ten minutes today about going to the lake, going out to dinner, or going to a playground. Some of you fell into all of those categories which means you saw my name in your inbox over and over again. Thank you for your patience as I try to find some adult time in my life.
...Seth. He always knows how to put a smile on my face or make me feel like he's there for me even during the crazy moments.
...my mother-in-law Lee. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for treating me like a daughter. Thank you for raising Seth to be the man/father/husband that he is. Thank you for sharing him with me. If I ever have a son I hope I'm as good at that as you are.
...my mom. For listening to me ask the hard questions and not judging and for giving the answers I need to hear.
It's almost the weekend now! And in a week I will be in NYC visiting the amazing Sara Bateman. I hope she's ready ;-)
I have now had four conversations in the past month with some dear friends who also happen to be working moms. It dawned on me today in the days after my funk post that maybe these conversations weren't by chance.
We all know there are all sorts of moms out there.
Moms who work and will tell you all day long that they could never stay home full time.
Moms who work and love their jobs, but question if they love them enough to not stay home.
Moms who work because they have no choice even though their hearts break because they can't be at home.
Moms who stay home while having the itch to do something that gives them a space outside of being mom 24/7.
Moms who stay home and have the patience of a saint and therefore never feel the need to be away from their child(ren) for a second.
There are about a million more possible descriptions. But the message I hear is always the same. I just want to be there. I just want the time. I just want what's best. There's always so much talk about mommy guilt and not enough talk about what we, as moms, do so brilliantly every day.
Some get up at 4:30 am to take a breath and breastfeed the baby before taking him to daycare.
Some work long hours patiently waiting for the minutes, hours, days they get with the toddler they miss when work is so busy.
Some are trying to understand how to balance the insane love they feel for the new baby with the emotion that comes with being a new older sibling in their first baby.
Some work very hard for very little money with hopes for the opportunity to give their child(ren) more.
I just want those moms (or anyone in a funk ;-) to know that I hear you. I see you. I applaud you. I'm sure it seems I am beating a dead horse here, but when I first started mommyhood I felt very alone a lot of the time. I felt like no one understood. It turns out they did. I just started the adventure a little earlier than most of my friends. Take a minute ladies and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. every. single. day.
...because Evie rediscovered Albie (abnormally large bear) and had a twenty minute cuddle fest with him.
...because I created the perfect chore chart for Lila and she LOVES it.
...because I have the best friends in the world who commented and sent me emails about my funk. HUGS.
...because for the first time today I feel like the third year of organic vegetable gardening is actually working.
...because Lila and I got to spend some much needed one on one time together at her music class (thank you Katie!).
...because the Fooducate app just made my life way easier (thank you Crystal!).
...because writing that post last night gave me the chance to wake up today and start fresh. I feel like something is coming. More than that, I feel like if it doesn't or it takes a long time I can let go of the funk when I'm ready and be better at my current most important job.
...because Seth is home and the weekend is coming.
Those of you that read this blog on the regular have come to expect, and hopefully understand, the sporadic nature of the posts. Sometimes I'm totally on top of my game, and other times I go missing for days or maybe even weeks. Typically I post when the mood strikes me or when I want to give an update for family and friends. If there's a lull it's usually because time got away from me. This time that's not really the case.
In the spirit of candor within mommyhood I need to express that I'm in a funk. It's been building for a while now and to call it an internal struggle is sort of a monumental understatement. It's no secret that I'm indecisive. The funny thing is, the actual decision making part of this has been done for me thus far.
...Georgia Cyber Academy for not calling me back for a third interview. It was clear to both of us that we were not a match. I truly appreciate you not putting me in a position to tell you what a crock I think you are.
The issue is that I feel I need to work. I became a stay at home mom two years ago and honestly never looked back. Actually, to be clear, I never looked back and thought about teaching. The world of education is a bigger mess than I can mentally wrestle with right now. Another post for another day. To say that I don't currently "work" is pretty laughable. Between my own kids, watching Carson, and my glamorous second job I became fairly tapped out. One of the biggest reasons I chose to no longer watch Carson is because I was literally trapped in my house on the days she was here. Granted, it was only two to three days a week. But, being a SAHM mom to two small kids comes with a certain level of exclusion from the world as it is. Throw in that I couldn't even take a drive to clear my head on the rough days and I was beginning to feel that a change had to come. But, taking Carson out of the equation, for lack of a better phrase, wasn't my solution. It was simply a small step towards something else.
Of course, finding a job is typically fueled by money. We could totally use more of it being that our house is a black hole of a money pit. In my initial desire to find a job adding more income was the front running goal. I interviewed with the Georgia Cyber Academy to teach from home. I had been attempting to interview with them for years. Turns out they are a big disappointment on many levels. I talked to an old friend about going back to Child Life. This truly got me excited in so many ways. But, funding and bringing me up to speed in Child Life put a damper on that possibility for now. One of those jobs was full time but working from home and the other was part time. Those two types of scenarios are best case for my current situation.
Here's where the funk comes in. I feel very defeated and unsure all at the same time. On days like today I would have given anything to be at a job. Today I really needed to miss my children. If you don't know what that feels like I don't really know how to explain it to you. Everyone know what it feels like to actually miss your child. But, in my opinion, really needingto miss them can feel far worse.
...Lee (my MIL) for saving the day without really even knowing you did it. Seth is out of town. For whatever reason the funk is taking a toll on me today and I was not being a good mommy. I am not afraid to admit that. If you believe you have never felt horrible at this mommy job for one second I will simply assume you are FOS. That or your day is coming. Thank you Lee for taking my kids to dinner and giving me three hours of shopping, mindless away time.
In my time away this afternoon I spent three entire hours in turmoil. I am aware that I tend to lean towards overly emotional and dramatic. But hear me out.
I have pro'd and con'd this to death in my head and I don't even have a job offer. I can't imagine going back to work full-time outside of my home. Just working part time with two children is kind of pointless unless you make a lot of money. Otherwise, you are working to pay for childcare. I actually might be ok with that I think. I mean, as long as I came out ahead a little bit in the end. If we strictly look at the money aspect of things it probably only makes sense for me to go back to work full time teaching in a public school. Not happening...yet.
Not long ago I posted a status on Facebook about looking for part-time work from home. I got some really great responses. But with possibilities come higher expectations. Now I feel like I need something meaningful and more purposeful for me than answering customer service calls. I'm 32 with a master's degree and I already clean other people's nasty toilets for God's sake.
...Meghan (friend and food blogger over at Stir and Scribble) for urging me to think about the possibilities of this blog, my writing, and other things that are scary and incredibly amazing sounding.I actually followed through with an application to blog for Apartment Therapy partly because Meghan made me realize I had nothing to lose. I haven't heard anything back, but they haven't said anything about new hires yet either. Cross your fingers because how BA would that be???
...Sara for helping me with the AT application and for also pushing me to just do it. And for responding to my texts, emails, and chats with nothing but support and love. I MISS YOU.
So, here I sit feeling like I need a change while also feeling like I need to suck it up and find ways to get myself through the tough parts of being a SAHM. There is no harder job people.
What's going to happen is I'm going to find the perfect working situation and baby Burrow #3 is going to start cooking. NO WE ARE NOT TRYING AND NO I AM NOT PREGNANT. Just sayin'.
And, I'm sure now some of you are thinking that this crazy lady just babbled on about struggling with being a SAHM mom and she wants a third! Come on...if you are judging me I beg you to go find a mom of three or more who thought her life was a cake walk and that's why she kept having babies ;-)
In case you didn't get enough of them in the monster picture post, I wanted to give an actual update about my girls. I feel like I just did one of these not that long ago, but things happen so quickly!
Lila
New do
In true three year old fashion Lila has a serious case of verbal diarrhea. That sounds awful, but I mean it in the best way possible. I've had a lot of experience with kids in my life. This is the mark of a true three year old. It's like they wake up one day and realize that they have so many complete thoughts about so many things. AND they simultaneously realize that they can say all of those thoughts at once at any given moment. I plan to get this on video. Or, if you really want to see her in action just stop by. It's an all day event. She did this before turning three. But just in the past week it has become non-stop.
Along those same lines, a lot of her talking involves giving the order of things. I know I do this with her a lot so that she knows what to expect. However, now when I do it she repeats it back to me. Then, if someone else is around she repeats it again to them. Sometimes she repeats it a fourth time for good measure.
Beyond the verbal expressiveness her imagination seems to be in overdrive as well. Of course, I've seen glimpses of it all along. Now the consistency and intensity is there. Our morning routine consists of eating breakfast and then going in the playroom and playing until Evie takes her morning nap. I slowly drink my coffee and let them sort of do what they want. Sometimes they want me involved and sometimes they don't. But I love just sitting and watching. Anyway, the other day Lila decided that it was my birthday. Her birthday party is coming up and we just had Evie's. She has party on the brain. She wanted to have a party for me. Here's the result:
The empty space is where I was sitting. She kept telling me some of it was cake, cupcakes, and presents. I wasn't allowed to "open" or "eat" anything until she was done.
Then she said all of the dress up clothes had to be out for the people to wear at the party. However, the people that were at the party (Evie and I) weren't allowed to wear any of it.
Again, the discussion and imagination aspect has been there for a while. The change is that this was a two hour event. She meticulously placed the items. She tried SO hard to be patient when Evie or Molly plowed over them.
The loyal readers of this blog may remember that Lila took survival swim lessons last year. With ISR (Infant Swimming Resource) you are supposed to take a refresher course each year. Lila started her refresher weeks ago and then she got sick. We started up again last week when I got sick. All of last week Seth took Lila to the lessons bright and early every day. By the end of the week he showed me the below video and I remembered why we started all of this in the first place. I am so proud of her. You will probably watch this video and think it's not that big of a deal. Especially if you know a little swimmer yourself. There really is quite a lot of work that goes into it to ensure that your child can save themselves in a life or death situation. She has worked so hard to get to this point!
Post swim lesson nap (she hasn't napped in months)
In general Lila is high energy, high enthusiasm all the time. She screams about everything in a way that is overwhelming. However, it puts a smile on my face that she feels excited enough about everything to scream about it. We tried getting her to find another way to express her excitement, but then she would just scream because we were asking her not to. We decided the screaming just out of sheer joy was better.
She is still the pickiest eater ever. Her height to weight ratio at her three year well check was actually on the very low end of the scale. I'm not going to feed her a bunch of crap so that she will eat. But, even when I do give in to the nasty food with her she doesn't really eat it. Community Q is glorious food and she ate the bread. She didn't even eat the fries. Just the bread. Not to worry. Evie helped her out ;-)
Lila's current great loves include:
- reading to Evie - she has all of the Sandra Boynton books memorized!
- putting the laundry away
- tending to our vegetable garden (even though she won't eat anything out of it)
- dressing herself in the most random and mismatched outfits
- running on "tracks" which are courses I draw in chalk on the driveway
- video chatting with aunt Sara
- watching videos of herself and Evie on my phone
- Gotye, Karmin, and a little Michael Jackson
- going to the playground and the "Botanibal Gardens"
Evie
There's lots of big stuff happening in Evie's world. I will get to the milestones in a minute. First, I want to chat about her in general. Evie is like a little explosion of sunshine all the time. Her personality is so intense in so many ways I don't even know where to start. She seems to feel and do things with such intensity that sometimes I can't keep up. Just this morning out of nowhere she started crying and put her head on the floor like the world was ending. I was sitting right next to her and I still have no idea what happened. That's really nothing new though. When she gets upset you just kind of have to watch out and let it pass.
Beyond normal tough feelings, she gets so excited and happy about so many things. I love to see her little face light up over something new she accomplishes or something Lila does. She's a daredevil in a way that I am not at all used to. At this age Lila was happy to sit and stare at you and play with toys or walk around in the yard. Evie wants to be everywhere all the time. Her first instinct is to lift a leg and try to get on top of something. She desperately wants to wash her hands standing on the stool in the bathroom like Lila does. She wants to get on the potty. She wants to get in the potty. She wants to get on tables and in the dishwasher. She has already gotten onto our Little Tikes tower and slide on our deck by herself. This took Lila and Carson much longer to accomplish. But then I am told that the second child progresses much faster. Technically, she probably feels like the third child so this isn't so surprising.
That being said, I'm happy to announce that walking is now her preferred mode of getting around.Every day she crawls a little bit less.
Evie also has more words! I am looking forward to this for her. She refuses to sign, but Lila did too. Not sure what the reason for that aversion is in my children, but it makes me sad. Not only because I think sign language is awesome, but because when Evie can't express what she wants or needs she grunts and screams loudly. Are we noticing a theme here?
Anyway, the complete list of words so far:
- Ya Ya -
Still Lila
- OK -
I have a habit of saying "it's okay" if something is wrong. She had a really bad diaper rash this week and that's when she started saying it. It's honestly really heartbreaking. She says it to calm herself down now and it's more like "aaahhhh kkkkkkk". But, sometimes she says it in response to something I have said and then she smiles because she knows she said something I understand. I love that.
- Molly -
She actually said Molly for the first time today! Molly follows me EVERYWHERE so today when I went to get Evie from her second nap Molly was right behind me. Standing in her bed she yelled Molly and was beyond proud of herself when I freaked out.
- Go -
What she used to call Molly. I am not a bad dog parent. I just don't love being followed 99% of the day. Let's just say I am not graceful so this makes for a dangerous situation.
- Cup -
I tried for a while to get her to say milk but she wasn't having it. I didn't even try for cup. It just happened somehow. But I'll take it. Knowing when she wants a drink is clutch.
- Mama -
She used to say Mama a lot, but now she really only says it when she's having a hard time going to sleep. And even then it seems that it's being replaced with aaaahhhhh kkkkkk until I go in and rock her.
Evie's current great loves include:
- Lila counting her toes. It happened a few times in the bathtub and now she wants Lila to do it every time they take a bath. It is seriously the cutest. freaking. thing. ever. She sticks her chubby little foot in the air and gets that pleased as punch look on her face before the counting even starts. I count her toes too, but nothing provides that look of awe and sheer happiness the way Lila does.
- Lila in general. She doesn't love when Lila won't let her have something, but other than that she thinks Lila hung the moon. If only Lila knew...
- Going outside. If we even step outside to get the mail I need to be prepared to stay out there for a while.
- Food - Evie is in the stage where she will eat anything and everything. I forgot how much of a bottomless pit babies can be at this age. I LOVE THIS. No guessing. No wasting. Just good old fashioned eating.
- Sandra Boynton books. Those are her favorite. She like Goodnight Moon and a few others, but the Boynton books always make her smile.
- She loves the playground and the botanical gardens too. This goes along with the being able to walk and the being outside. It's like Christmas any time we go somewhere outside that has things to climb on.
Alright, now that I've stayed up too late with another lengthy post about my children I will go. Holla Hump day is back tomorrow. Don't miss it!!!
