It's interesting what we try to conceal from ourselves when things get hard. The endless list of coping mechanisms that the brain/subconscious will enact to cover something up is quite impressive. But, that which is shoved under the rug isn't gone. In truth, it's multiplying as you shove until one day the rug goes missing or gets pulled out from under you. You are left standing in a pile of dirt so high you're sure its suffocating you. Tuesday I began to uncover that the past two weeks of endless crafts and things I just had to get done for Christmas were in fact part of a trick my brain was trying to play. Reflection is such an odd thing. In my self imposed nervous breakdown the realization that I was single handedly trying to "do" Christmas away was almost laughable. Who does that? Who avoids Christmas by becoming so consumed with it that they start to disregard it's coming? This girl does. Furthermore, we all know it isn't actually christmas itself I'm disregarding...it's what will be missing from Christmas for the first time in my entire life.
