And the mommy guilt continues...

Ok so I never knew becoming a mom came with an assortment of guilty feelings about an assortment of things. I'm really good at talking myself in and out of feeling a certain way about all aspects of my life from work all the way to caring for my dogs. You could say my brain is basically in constant battle over shoulda, coulda, woulda, still shoulda, maybe still coulda, wished I woulda, BLA, BLA, BLA. I am the queen of being indecisive. I am a pro at weighing pros and cons and then weighing them again, and then going back to the first list and starting over. I know...don't you wish you were me? At any rate, knowing this about myself, how could I NOT have known that providing all of the care for a very small, very needy, and incredibly perfect child would not riddle me with a whole host of new things to be conflicted about?

So I pose this question to you. How early is too early to leave your child for a weekend with grandmothers or maybe an aunt? When I was pregnant there was a conversation about the oh so popular Georgia vs. Florida weekend amongst my friends. Every year in October we head to the largest outdoor cocktail party to partake in the rivalry. It started our freshman year when everyone, and I mean everyone we knew, went to Jacksonville and stayed at Vince's parents house. People slept on the floor, by the pool, on the trampoline, and under the dining room table (no lie). I mean, we were freshman, and it was free, and Vince's parents loved us. They made sure we were safe and we had a blast. We have since graduated to staying in a very swanky and enormous house in St. Simons where almost everyone has a bed, we can walk to the beach, and meals are catered (no lie). It's all inclusive. Each person pays a set price and you don't have to worry about a thing. It truly is very adult of us which is good since we are all pushing thirty now, if not right on it. I LOVE this weekend. Proof of this would be that I went last year a couple months pregnant, paid the price and didn't drink a drop of alcohol that was included in the price. Instead, I drove people to the game and watched and laughed at my friends. That's how much I LOVE GA/FL weekend.

Initially I thought, "of course we will go this year". I hadn't really though twice about it until today. The email went out from my friend Eric that he sends every year outlining what the plan is and what the cost is and when we have to let him know if we are coming or not. Seth and I started talking about it and we both seem to feel more conflicted than we thought. The conversation amongst my friends that I mentioned earlier was the idea that we could actually bring the baby (again, I was pregnant when we discussed this) to St. Simons. At the time we joked and talked about it and it sounded like a possibility. I actually think if other people had kids and more than one baby or child was going in our group I would be all for it. But right now we are the only ones that go on this trip that have had a baby and it now seems silly to me that we even contemplated bringing her.

So the big question is, could we leave her for a three day weekend at five months old? Would we have fun or would we be stressed, worried, and nervous the whole time? I have always felt that my children will be around their grandparents and relatives as much as I can make it happen. I want Lila to feel like going to grandma's (or Grammy and ViVi's as we will be calling them) is so common an occurrence that she doesn't think twice about it. Of course I would want her to miss me, but not so much that she couldn't be ok for a couple of days. I know at this age she won't remember it anyway. I also know that both grandmothers, if they are available, would LOVE nothing more than to spend so much time with her. I guess there is just a lot of apprehension for some reason....again I am plagued by indecisive feelings. Unfortunately, I can't linger on this. This weekend is a first come first serve deal and we have to pay half up front. So once we commit, we won't be backing out. Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill here? We are going to be leaving her for a weekend at some point. Shouldn't it be for something we both really want to do?

Can someone mail me back my brain?

Remember when I said that the hardest part of having a baby for me was breastfeeding? I lied. Today has been a bad day. My dad informed me that I didn't call him on Father's day. Apparently I thought I had but it was really a couple of days before. Seth's aunt's husband just found out he has a brain tumor so Seth's mom went to Macon to see them and I was supposed to go let her dogs out, feed them, play with them, etc. over the course of the day and I totally forgot. Like 100% never once went over there and just realized it and it is 10 o'clock at night. I want to cry over my stupidity. I was SO on top of things before getting pregnant. I was organized and had my act together at all times. Now I feel like I am constantly apologizing for messing up. I know, woe is me. But seriously. This all makes me feel like CRAP.

Yes I still know I am blessed. Just frustrated with myself is all.

Never forget that you are blessed.

There are so many times where I look around and think I am incredibly blessed and lucky and yet just as many times where I don't feel grateful enough. I have spent the past week feeling frustrated, irritated, and outright bratty about the roller coaster that has become my refrigerator. It stops working, it starts working...I empty it, I fill it...it stops again. We pay for a home warranty to make dealing with these things easier and we are now on service company number three who finally tells us the "computer board" is broken and they will order a new one. Seriously? Are you seriously telling me refrigerators have "mother boards" (as Meg said). I asked said home warranty company to reimburse me for the new groceries after the last guy told me nothing was wrong with the fridge and I bought food. They told me they could reimburse me for renting a fridge or buying a dorm size one but not directly for the food. Really? Really? It would cost more to do this than I spent on the groceries I tell them. They are unconcerned with the cost so much as the protocol they must follow. Everybody has an agenda don't they? I'm sure there's some off the wall reason for this, but I'm no dummy. I will take your protocol and run with it. Lila and I pile up and go to Target and buy a little fridge that will be perfect for my classroom this year. At the end of the day I go to hang out with girlfriends (some of which I haven't seen in a while) and have the best time. Kids are running around, we are all chatting like we just saw each other yesterday, and thoughts of the fridge are behind me. I come home, check my email and facebook after the little one goes to bed, and head over to check in on the blogs I keep up with....

It's so easy to get caught up in the stupid CRAP that can invade your life. It's so easy to forget that you and your spouse have jobs, a home, and money to buy food to put in the broken refrigerator when many don't. It's so easy to forget how blessed you are, how lucky you are, how healthy you are....

I want to say thank you to my cousin Holly and her husband Mike. Mike recently found out that he has a very rare form of cancer and Holly has started a blog (shown on the lower right of this blog) to keep everyone up to date about their courageous journey. While it shouldn't take reading about their situation to remind me to constantly be grateful, I realize today that this is exactly what's happened.

My six word memoir for today: Never forget that you are blessed.

Life as we know it...

So I am WAY behind on blogging. I have tried countless times I promise. I sit down, type a paragraph, save it, and then by the time I come back to it I want to say something else entirely. That is life as I know it with Lila. I'm sure that's just life with any baby! (PS - this post is dated June 5th and that is not right...that is the date I started writing it! It is actually June 23rd if that tells you anything).

Overall, adapting to parenthood has been interesting. Seth and I used to go to a movie about once a week and we were sad to come to the realization we would not be doing that much anymore. However, my good friend Christine introduced us to the drive in off Moreland and in true sophisticated redneck fashion, Lila's first official movie going experience was to see "The Hangover". As you can see she tried to sleep through it.

I am trying to do everything in my power not to sit in my house all day, so she and I have gone shopping, gone to visit both grandmother's at work, and we have gone to lunch with friends. She is a very good social butterfly.

In regards to just daily life, she really is an incredibly easy baby. She lets me sleep a lot, she's a good eater, and she doesn't get sick of staring at me. If she does, I'm sure she won't tell anyone.

Lila is going on six weeks old and she is growing like crazy to say the least. She's wearing all 3 month clothes and they are honestly hard to snap at times. She doesn't really fill them out but the length is where we struggle. This is yet another similarity between Lila and her dad. Clothes are never long enough.

She's "talking" which really just means sounding like a monkey. Sorry for the darkness of the video, but this is how she and I communicate...

So everyone seems to ask things like "is it all you thought it would be?" or "what has been the hardest part?". For me personally, breastfeeding is the best and hardest part. I refuse to be someone who never leaves the house because she has a child. However, I haven't conquered feeding in public (not sure I will), and when I tried feeding in the car it wasn't as smooth as I had hoped. Lila is a champion eater. She is done in 10 minutes usually. That doesn't remove the fact that I have to bare all every 2 1/2 to 3 hours all day, every day. Everything is planned around it. This is where Lila is like me. If it's feeding time she is ready on the dot. No questions asked. She is a creature of habit and any deviation throws her for a loop. I love that she needs me this much, but I would love to have more than one drink at dinner or really just go out to dinner and not feel guilty that I'm not feeding her. I love that Seth can give her a bottle at times, but then we get into pumping which I'm sure no one wants full details on. Let's just say, breastfeeding is much more of an art than anyone ever tells you. HOWEVER, I would not stop for the world. It's the best thing I can give her and I am so grateful and happy that I can.

The absolute best thing about my gorgeous baby is her extensive repertoire of facial expressions. I truly find myself laughing out loud and trying to capture the moment all at the same time. Here are some of the many faces of Lila so far:

I promise to blog more and to blog about other things too! I am determined to keep the usual ranting of this blog going...for instance....the refrigerator died on Friday only to magically begin working again an hour before Seth got home from being out of town. I threw out all of the food and yet I'm sure it appears that I am losing my mind. I am grateful that it came back to life and we don't have to buy a new one. BUT, I would appreciate from now on if the appliance gods could make something die while I am not home and Seth is.

I know this entry is getting very long but I just realized I haven't mentioned the dogs in a while or in relation to the newest member of our family. Woody is needier than ever and quite bitter. He has chewed up two pacifiers, a blanket, and a burp cloth. He has never chewed up any of our stuff so he is obviously retaliating. Molly, as predicted, just wants to lick the crap out of Lila. We are working on that and Molly is doing quite well with it all. The only problem is, her anti-barking-at-the-neighbors collar officially died and is too expensive to replace. Anybody know how to train a lab to not bark? While I think that's a ridiculous thing to do, my neighbors are whiny and irritating and I'd rather not listen to them as much as they would like to not hear Molly.

So yes, things are about the same aren't they? Just a little touch of love added to the mix.